Breakfast Cereal War

So you’re grocery shopping and there are hundreds of cereals to choose from. Hell, an entire aisle is dedicated to them. And just recently, in my senior year in high school, I started liking cereal the way it should be liked; I never used to eat cereal with milk and I only liked regular Cheerios and Reese’s Puffs. I was out of my mind. Cereal with milk is awesometastic. And they have sweet characters to go along and sell their (for the most part) sugary deliciousness to young children. Well, I was thinking…If we had a bracket style system of the ultimate fight of breakfast cereals and characters, who would win?

So here’s the set up:Frosted Flakes/Tony the Tiger vs. All Kashi Cereal/Happy People



Tony the Tiger is like the Tommy Lee of porn videos, the Michael Jordan of basketball, the Jack Bauer of TV, The James Bond of all good guys ect. You don’t fuck with Tony the Tiger. Hell, even the Dare Lion knows to keep his distance. If Tony the Tiger wants to smoke crack, the Dare Lion respects that. Tony has lightning bolt stripes sometimes…shit an electric tiger! I’d be scared. I had to include the Kashi cereal because I go to school on Long Island and if I wanted to be really cool, I could get a tofu salad with a side of soy crisps and a herbal antioxidant tea drink for lunch everyday if I wanted to. The people on the Kashi box make me wish I was a smoker so I whip out my lighter and set fire to all the boxes of cereal in the organic cereal section. Organic cereal? Breakfast cereal is supposed to be fun. I mean don’t get me wrong, I like healthy cereal (one of my favorites is Smart Start w/ antioxidants) I’ve tried a free sample of Kashi; I’d never buy that shit. After I ate it, I should have gone straight to the pancake isle and taken maple syrup and drank a bottle of it to get that awful taste out of my mouth. How the hell could all those people be happy if their cereal tastes like shit? It seriously looked like of feed that I used to give the sheep at the petting zoo. You live once…seriously you can do better than Kashi. Tony the Tiger wins hands down because he sees how happy the Kashi people are and claws their faces off.


Rice Krispies/Snap, Crackle Pop vs. Corn Flakes/Cornelius the Rooster

Snap, Crackle and Pop are spokesmen for Rice Krispies. Now Rice Krispies can be boring…add sugar and they get fun. But they also yield one of the greatest snack foods ever: Rice Krispies Treats. Seriously, who doesn’t like those sons a bitches. I would be perfectly content with being stranded on a deserted island with only Rice Krispes Treats and some chocolate milk to wash it down with. And the cool thing is, snap crackle and pop are fucking awesome. I mean they do what the cereal does. Plus it’s a 3 for one deal. And at one point, there was Rice Krispies cereal. That was awesome. I ate that without milk when I was young and stupid. Corn Flakes are simply put: flakes of corn. Cornelius the Rooster is simply a rooster.. Let’s lay it out plain and simple. Corn Flakes = boring. Cornelius the Rooster would easily lose because Snap, Crackle and Pop could do one of 2 things: All gang up on him because he’s a fucking rooster and all they do is “cock a doodle do” or call Colonel Sanders (who will be part of the fast food mascot war) because I think it’s safe to say he’s had some experience with poultry.

Cap’n Crunch vs. Trix/Trix Rabbit

This is by far my favorite mascot. Okay Captain Crunch. Fucking awesome cereal. There’s Cap’n Crunch, Peanut Butter Crunch, Choco Crunch, hell there’s ever Christmas Crunch for Jesus’s birthday. That’s why Jesus always smiles on his birthday; sure he gets gold, frankincense and myrrh, but honestly I think a kid would want some sugary goodness instead. It’s all delicious. Never really gets soggy quickly either. Okay here’s why Cap’n Crunch is the shit. First of all…he’s Cap’n not Captain. What a badass mofo. Look at his fucking outfit. He is the man. If I could wear that outfit every day, I’d do it with pride. Plus, he’s got a ship that tears down walls and shit to give kids a better breakfast. Okay and now comes the best part: Silly Rabbit Trix are for kids! WHAT A FUCKING DUMB PIECE OF SHIT OF AN ANIMAL. Seriously, how many damn times has that rabbit been able to taste the Trix but fails because he has shit for brains. The kids out smart him. All he has to do is pick up the bowl and hop the fuck away because rabbits are faster than children. But he always fails and is upset. The Nesquick Bunny and the Cadbury Bunny are ashamed to be a rabbit because of the Trix Rabbit and the last I heard, they’re in talks with the Rabbit Mafia (the Hareleone Family) to get rid of that waste of life. The Trix Rabbit obviously loses because all Captain Crunch has to do is say “go home” and the fucking rabbit will listen. I will say though to give Trix some props, out of the fruity cereals (I don’t really like them), Trix isn’t terrible. The yogurt is a shame to all things yogurt though.
Trix Rabbit

Count Chocula vs. Lucky Charms/Lucky the Leprechaun

Easy one. Count Chocula. Scary. There are also tons of chocolate cereals (cocoa puffs, cocoa pebbles) Leprachan. Happy. Leprachaun wins because his cereal contains MARSHMELLOWS. Fuck yeah I can have marshmallows for breakfast. And I blame Count Chocula in definitely too goth/emo for cereal so all the happiness of Lucky just knock him out.


Cinnamon Toast Crunch/Wendell The Baker vs. Honey Nut Cheerios/Buzz

Oker dokers. Wendel the Baker is also known as that man that makes my favorite cereal ever. Yeah that’s right…Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Okay, now I’m assuming you’ve read my column about French Toast sticks being like the second coming of Jesus in my life. Well…when it’s 1 a.m. since I’m a college kid and I don’t sleep and I’m craving some cinnamon goodness, where do I go? Well I’m too lazy to make oatmeal (which is also one of the greatest foods ever) so I go to my cereal box and BAM satisfied. Wendel. What a kick ass name. If I have a son, I could possibly name him Wendel. He’s great because he’s a true American. He works hard on his cereal. Those cinnamon sugar swirls on every bite don’t create themselves. Then there’s the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee “Buzz”. The bee is adorable and I do love Honey Nut Cheerios. And it makes sense…honey…a bee. Logical. But the name Buzz is where it hurts Honey Nut O’s. When I hear Buzz, I think of 3 things: 1. Buzz Lightyear who is frickin amazing. 2. What you get when you start drinking and 3. That asshole older brother in Home Alone who I want to kick in the balls. This round goes to Wendel because it comes down to this: If the bee tried to sting him, he’s take a fly swatter and kill him.

Fruit Loops/Toucan Sam vs. Nesquik/Nesquik Bunny

Toucan Sam is a classic. I mean you think cereal characters, you think Toucan Sam. Fruit Loops are legit too. I’m not a huge fan (I’d rather Apple Jacks) but if fruity cereal is your thing, c’est la vie. But Toucan Sam. Damn is that beak big. I mean we’re talking like Adrian Brody big. Hell if it was crooked, we could even call him an Owen Wilson. But Also remember, Toucan Sam can fly. Big advantage. Plus Fruit Loops are old school. They’ve been around for awhile so they earn some respect. Okay Nesquik cereal and bunny. The Nesquick Bunny did for cereal for me at least what adding Paplebon to the Red Sox did. Yeah that’s right…suck it Yankee fans. Our closer is getter better than yours. Not only was your cereal chocolate, the milk it was in turned chocolate too. Sweet Jesus. You know why that’s awesome…because chocolate milk totally kicks white milks ass. It’s kinda like a basketball game or a track meet if you think about it. But the Nesquick Bunny loses for one reason. When people say to you “oh look it’s the cereal rabbit”, you think of the Trix Rabbit and how big of a dumbass that worthless piece of white rabbit trash is. Toucan Sam wins simply because the Trix Rabbit ruined the chance for any cereal rabbit to ever be taken seriously…you know what they say about a bird with a huge beak…;-).
Nesquick Bunny

Honey Smacks/ Dig Em’ Frog vx. Raisin Bran/Sunny

Okay I never had Honey Smacks but there’s a frog, with the name Dig Em’?, as the mascot. What the hell does a frog have to do with Honey Smacks? When I think frogs, I think swampy disgusting icky mess. Or I think of the French and eating frog legs and I hate the French. I’m even French and I hate the French. I love their crossiants and crepes, but seriously I’ve been to France, not too fond of them. Plus they lost my luggage. Plus, bees make honey; not frogs. This is why America’s youth is so dumb. Kids associating honey with frogs…terrible. Now we have the Raisin Bran Sun and “Sunny”. I mean kids don’t really associate fun cereal with Raisin Bran but as being a cereal person in my later years, Raisin Bran is where it’s at. The contrast with the raisins and the bran flakes is actually really good. And you know how it’s even better: add sugar! Bam you have a sweetened version. And then we have Sunny. Okay so most would think “why would you consider a giant sun cool?” Basically, if we pissed that sun off and it exploded, we’d all be f-ed in the “a”. What will this frog do? Try and hop away. Pathetic. Sunny wins along with Raisin Bran.
Raisin Bran Sun

Life/Mikey vs. Cookie Crisp/Chip

Okay this one is a toughie. Let’s start out with Life. Who honestly eats life? I’ve never had it or plan to have it. If I had “Life” in my life for breakfast, I’m pretty sure that would lead to suicide. But it’s a matter of the mascots so nevertheless, we have Mikey. Annoying mama’s boy who ate the healthy cereal. All who had to suffer through the bowl of Life hated him because he convinced mothers that his cereal actually tasted good while still was healthy. What a Cee You Next Tuesday. Ok and now we have Chip. He spoke out for Cookie Crisp. Now Cookie Crisp was the shit when I was younger. I didn’t eat cereal but all the cool kids ate it so I tried it without milk and I didn’t think it was awesome (I would prefer a cookie any day) but I did see why it was addicting the herion of breakfast cereals at the time. But as cool as cookies are for breakfast …Mikey wins because of two reasons. 1. If you want a sweet breakfast that tastes like a cookie, chocolate chip Pop-Tarts are bangin. And reason 2: Mikey probably got laid because he was known as “Mikey” from the life commercials. Imagine him in a club. Enter totally trashed hoe: Girl - “Do I know you fr..fr..from somewhere?” Mikey- “Yeah, I was Mikey in the Life commercials.” Girl - “Oh my God. That’s so cool. Let’s make sweet passionate love?” There’s only one thing better than cookies for breakfast and Mikey got it.
Mikey (Life)

Fruity/Cocoa Pebbles: Fred Flinstone vs. Barney Rubble

They both represent Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles. Barney’s for Fruity Pebbles because I clearly think he’s gay. But it comes down to a good old fashioned pre-historic brawl between these two. Fred goes and gets the dino bone and tries to beat Barney to a pulp where as Barney just slaps him back because he’s a pussy. Eventually a meteorite hits the earth killing all the dinosaurs and them with it. Their cereal wasn’t good enough to survive the massive extinction. Plus it’s just a plain fact that Cocoa and Fruity pebbles suck compared to other cereals. So both of them die with the dinosaurs and get replaced by cooler cartoons like the Rugrats.
Barney Rubble

Come back for Round 2 kids.